Reinventing Heartbeats
by heyfriday
Summary: Previously known as In the Absence of Doubt. A series of one-shots.
1. Chapter 1

**June 24, 2009**

Puddles pooled around my bare feet, and when it did not seem possible, it began to rain harder. Through the downpour I could see Josh, his face contorted as drops ran down his face from his hair, which was plastered to his head. His shirt hung heavy on his shoulders, forming to the planes of his chest. The planes that I had memorized just the month before.

"Tory." His lips formed around my name, sending the whisper through the downpour that now surrounded us.

Shaking my head, I turned to go. If my heart was going to be ripped out of my chest and stomped on, I preferred it to be in the privacy of my own bedroom.

"Wait," Josh shouted, his voice flying to my ears. The familiarity of it weakened my knees. "Oh God, Tory, please wait."

Turning around slowly, I raised my hand subconsciously to my chest, attempting to hold myself together. Josh had taken a step closer so there was now only two squares of sidewalk between us. Looking down at my feet, I watched the rain wash away the last of the nail polish from the pedicure I had before going to the beach with Josh a month ago. Good riddance, I thought, as my heart squeezed underneath my soaked shirt.

"Josh," I said, knowing my quiet voice would find its way through the rain to him. Swallowing hard over the lump in my throat, I opened my mouth to speak again. Before I could, a clap of thunder rattled the windows behind me, causing both Josh and I to jump out of our skin.

Spinning around again, I raced up the steps. As my fingers closed around the door handle, I heard him again.

"That's not what matters," he said urgently, somehow responding to the words I had never spoken aloud.

It stopped me cold, the rain pulling wet strings of hair into my face. I pushed them away with one hand, the other dropping from the door. To the left of my feet, two worms crawled next to each other, making their way towards the soil at the bottom of the steps. As they reached the edge of the cement, the first worm slid over and into the grass, while the second turned and slid back in the direction it had come. With sadness I realized that the first worm had never stopped to consider that maybe it would be taking that jump by itself.

"Then what does?" I shouted back angrily, whirling around to face him.

For the first time, I felt the tears spill over onto my cheeks, heartbreak mixed with rain, as I found the sidewalk empty. My eyes flew around the small front yard as my chest collapsed and I realized Josh was gone. With a sob louder than the thunder, my knees buckled beneath me and I fell to the ground. I hugged myself, rocking back and forth as sobs ripped through my lips.

And though it was not possible, it began to rain harder.

* * *

The bus ride to school the next morning was a blur, my mind only catching bits and pieces of the life that managed to carry on around me. Carrie sat next to me in silent understanding, her hand clasped tightly around mine. I allowed my head to drop onto her shoulder, allowed the soothing words that quietly followed. Rain continued to pour, smearing the bus windows with Heaven's tears.

As we pulled into the circle drive in front of the school I saw a familiar gray jacket, one that I could pick out of a sea of thousands. One that made my heart pound furiously, and one that brought the lump back to my throat. Turning away from the window, I found myself looking straight into Carrie's worried eyes.

"Tory," she said, as if she was trying to convince me of something. "You are so much better than him."

Swallowing, I narrowed my eyes. "Who was the one that told me he _was_ something better?" I asked quietly, brushing past her and racing off of the bus.

The rain had let up and couples now gathered around the fountain in the front of the school. Friends sat on the edge, trading music and stories of a big party last night. On a normal day, I would have joined in with the group I knew Carrie was headed to. Glancing over now, I caught Danny waving at me, his knee propping up the book we were reading for English that week. Ignoring him, I sped through the halls to homeroom, settling down and pulling out my calculus textbook. Keeping my eyes averted from the doorway, where I knew Josh would eventually pass by on his way to his own homeroom one door down, I scanned the chapter we were being tested on next hour. The unrecognizable language began to swim in front of me and I quickly swiped under my eyes.

By then, other kids were filing in, shuffling around papers they would pretend to work on as they passed notes and listened to their iPods. Taking a deep breath, I stared intently at the page so no one would come over to talk to me. After a minute, I gave up the charade and dropped my head onto my arms. Sitting up abruptly, I shrugged out of the sweatshirt that still smelled like him, shoving it carelessly into my backpack.

It had become less and less often since the fire, but now was one of those times when I needed my mother. Opening my mind, I attempted to bring her back, if only for a moment, but all I heard were whispered memories. _If you ever get your heart broken,_ she had said on a summer night when I was eleven, _I will be here for you, no matter what._

_I love you, Mom,_ I thought, suddenly back in 1997, the year we bought our own fireworks. The five of us, Mom, Dad, and my two sisters, were gathered around the box anxiously, after it had finally gotten dark enough to set the fireworks off. With a shout of excitement, we scrambled for safety as Dad lit the fuse. He just made it to our safety spot on the front porch before there was color, and sparks, and shrieks. In awe, we watched the fireworks jump only a foot off the ground though it had seemed so high, so rebellious.

While the show lasted for a good ten minutes, I remember it seeming like a mere five seconds before, with a final scream, the last firework died out and we were left staring at nothing but ashes.


	2. Chapter 2

**March 1, 2009**

"Tory? Tory! Tory help me!"

The screams were frantic, but when I turned all I saw was the blaze of orange, red, yellow. The heat rolled off, hitting me in the face like a freight train. Sweat dripped between my shoulder blades, soaking a shirt that was turning black with ashes.

"Tory! Please Tory!"

As I watched, the roof collapsed into the flames, and the screams died.

"Tory! Tory!"

Someone shook me gently at first before it felt as though the world was shaking.

"Tory!"

I awoke with a jump, tears streaming down my face, the sheets sweaty and tangled around my legs. The light from the hallway spilled across the foot of my bed where Jacob sat, eyes wide.

"Tory, sweetie, it was just a dream," my Aunt Kayla said gently, helping me sit up.

She shooed her son off the foot of my bed.

"Just a dream," I repeated quietly, though I could still see the flames, feel the heat, hear those screams. Screams that I had never heard really heard.

"Just a dream," I said again.

* * *

On the Chinese Zodiac Calendar, it had been the year of the Ox. Which meant dependability, strength and determination, neither of which I had had that year.

"Feeling better?" Kayla asked as I sat down for breakfast.

The kitchen table was shoved up against the window, surrounded by four mismatched chairs. A small vase of daisies sat in the middle, hidden by boxes of Corn Pops, Wheaties, and Rice Krispies. A yellow ceramic frog sat on the windowsill, which was level with the table, along with a pink plastic elephant and a set of red nesting dolls. It all clashed brilliantly with the faded lime green wallpaper that matched the color of my favorite novel, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which was wedged between the phone and the toaster. The worn white linoleum floor betrayed coffee stains from years past while the fridge proudly revealed kindergarten and eighth grade artwork with chipped magnets.

"I guess," I replied, pouring a bowl of Corn Pops.

As I drowned them in milk I looked across the table to where Jada sat, whacking her plastic bowl on the table in front of her. Her bib was askew and there was some sort of liquid smeared across her face. Sighing inwardly, I stood up and took the wet towel Kayla handed me, dodging Jacob as I walked over to wipe Jada off.

Just as I sat back down to eat I heard the familiar horn of the bus as the large yellow box pulled up in front of a mailbox. Hurriedly, I grabbed my bag off the chair and raced out the door, calling a goodbye.

"Busy morning?" Carrie asked, nodding at my hand as I slid in beside her. Looking down, I saw my fingers still clamped around the rag I had used to wipe Jada's mouth.

"As always," I said, shoving the thing into my backpack. My fingers brushed over the notebook but I pulled them away quick, as though it could actually burn me.

"So Paul tells me this kid he knows is transferring over from the Academy," Carrie said. My eyes landed on the back of Paul's head, who was sitting a couple rows in front of us. He was her second cousin and next door neighbor, with the same blond curly hair and green eyes.

"Our age?" I asked absently, tucking my flyaway brown curls behind my ears.

"Yet another charming senior," Carrie said, smirking.

I saw him as we slumped off the bus, dreading another long day at Independence High. Paul had raced off the bus ahead of Carrie and I and was now performing a complicated handshake with a kid I had never seen before. The kid shrugged out of a gray jacket, throwing it carelessly over his shoulder as he and Paul talked excitedly.

"So what's his name?" I asked Carrie as we headed by the two, Paul completely ignoring us.

"Josh Black," she replied, dropping her bag at Dana's feet. I stopped next to Carrie and found myself facing Julian. He stood up, so close to me that I took a step back in shock, trying hard to look anywhere but his eyes.

"I'll see you guys later," he said, nodding to everyone. They all looked silently back at him.

As he walked away I glanced over at Danny who just pressed his lips together, looking away. I switched my gaze to Ben, though he avoided my eyes as well. Harry was the only one who would look at me. I raised my eyebrows at him and he just patted the empty stone of the fountain next to him. Sighing, I walked over and plopped down, leaning against him.

"He doesn't know what to do," Harry said quietly, while conversation picked up around us again.

"He's the one that ditched me," I said back. Harry opened his mouth to say something but then Paul was standing in front of us.

"Hey guys," he said, his face still echoing a laugh. "This is Josh, he's coming from the Academy."

My eyes slid to Josh's. He was glancing around slightly nervously at everyone, his gaze meeting mine for only a fleeting moment. His jacket was still thrown casually over his shoulder, his hair slightly disheveled, sticking up even more as he ran his hand through it again.

"Cool, yo," Dana said, nodding at Josh. He half smiled back.

"I don't know why Paul is introducing you to us, as his group barely acknowledges ours," Carrie said to Josh, shrugging. Danny smacked her arm. "What?" she asked, innocently.

"Just thought you'd like to meet him," Paul said, shooting Carrie a dirty look. "My charming cousin," he added to Josh, nodding at the back of Carrie's head, for she had turned around to talk to Dana again.

Everyone else went back to their conversations, though I kept my eyes on Josh as he glanced around the front of the school where half the school's population was still gathered. He was still looking around when Paul said my name.

"Basically my sister," Paul said to Josh, whose eyes met mine instantly. I gave him a small smile, nodding.

"Hey," I said. He raised his eyebrows, pressing his lips slightly together, and nodded.

And then he and Paul were walking away, headed towards the school building. Without realizing it, I watched them go, my eyes on the back of Josh's head. As they started to climb the steps, he turned his head, his eyes again finding mine immediately. I felt my eyes widen and quickly turned away.

* * *

**OKAY. So, I have to owe this to two people : Miss Understood and author jaseyray. **Because I follow jaseyray's stories, I catch every chapter update. With the most recent one, which was not actually a chapter, I realized her and I were basically doing the same thing with our stories. We both repeatedly issued rewrites, because we were not happy with our stories. So I apologize for that, I really am sorry. It's not fair of me to continuously put up the same story because I was the one unhappy with the way the first two turned out. Miss Understood, in a review to jaseyray, mentioned me also, kicking us in the butt, which was exactly what we needed. So I am moving on. I will finish SAM because I don't feel right just leaving it up there like it is. Of course, you don't have to read it, I'll just post the rest of the chapters so it's finished.

Now THIS story. I am also sorry that you have already seen this chapter if I am not mistaken, but this is the new way I will be writing this story. It may be confusing and obnoxious, but I'll make it as clear and fun as I can. If you couldn't tell already, this second chapter takes place a few months before the first chapter.

Basically, AOD will be a series of oneshots, all put together like puzzle pieces to eventually form a complete story. I may not update as often as you will like, but I will do my best, and make it as fun and interesting as I can.

So thank you to my readers. _And thank you Miss Understood, if you are reading this._

**-zoomie**


	3. Chapter 3

**May 11th, 2009 **

I heard the seagulls before I even saw the beach. They flocked above the train of cars as if they were leading us to the sand, to the water. Some kids in a mini van a couple cars in front of us were throwing food out the window, attracting a large portion of the birds to that area of the road. As we drove past it, Josh grumbled something about them doing their business on his windshield.

"Well," I said slowly, already smiling. "They recognize that it's a crappy car, and so they are going to…mark it with crap." I started laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of what I had just said. Josh shot me a look, telling me to respect Jude, his red 2000 Pontiac Grand Am, named for his favorite Beatles song. But as I continued to laugh, Josh finally cracked a smile and soon he was laughing too.

"Okay, okay, so that was a good one. You are so modest," he said sarcastically, allowing me to lean over and kiss the corner of his mouth before traffic started moving again.

By now, I could see the hot sand and a sliver of blue water beyond it. Between the tall weeds, I could see random splashes of colors, kids and adults alike in bathing suits. As we pulled into the parking lot, I could make out numerous dots along the water, with buckets piled up next to them. The sandcastle-building contest wasn't supposed to be for another month, but it looked as though everyone had chosen today to practice their skills.

Josh and I ditched our towels and shoes a good fifteen feet away from any kid or sandcastle-builder before running full speed into the waves. I gasped as the cold water hit my stomach, laughing as Josh pulled me out further before dunking me under. When I resurfaced he was right in front of me, wiping the water out of my eyes. I smiled sweetly at him, pretending to reach out and touch the slight curl of hair at his temple, and instead pushing him down under with one hand.

By the time he resurfaced I was treading water five feet out from him, taunting. When he wiped the water out of his eyes and saw me out there, his face fell and he shrugged, turning to head back to the beach.

"Josh, wait!" I called, wondering what was wrong. I swam after him quickly, happy that he at least let me catch up to him.

"Josh," I said again, softer, touching his shoulder. Right as my fingers touched his skin, however, he whirled around and lifted me up in one fluid motion.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, flailing in the air as he carried me out a couple feet deeper. "Josh, this is not funny! Josh!" But then I was laughing, as he launched me at least four feet away from him.

* * *

"Tory," someone whispered, their breath tickling my ear. I giggled, rolling away. But Josh pulled me back, kissing me until I opened my eyes.

"I was sleeping!" I exclaimed half-heartedly, shoving him away from me and sitting up. Most of the beach had cleared and the sun was low on the horizon, reflecting orange on the water. An older couple walked by us, in tennis shoes and golf polos, out for their evening stroll.

"And you've been sleeping for almost three hours. I woke up because my stomach was telling me to feed it and then as I was sitting here watching you sleep-" Here, he didn't even flinch, just reaching out to trace random patterns on my stomach. "-your stomach grumbled and I knew it was time to go get some food."

I smiled, grabbing his hand and kissing his fingers, one by one.

"Then what did you have in mind?" I asked him, as he pulled me up and grabbed our towels, leading me back to the car.

* * *

_Dates have been added to the previous two chapters. I figure it will help you keep it straight. **-zoomie**_


	4. Chapter 4

**March 16****th****, 2009**

A horn beeped from the driveway, making me jump and curse as I dropped my mascara brush. I capped it quickly, tossing it on the dresser, before heading outside. As I closed the door behind me and jumped off the porch, the little black Jetta started to roll backwards.

"Paul," I sighed, loudly enough so he would hear it through his open window.

When he kept going I shouted his name, rolling my eyes. Through the windshield, I saw Carrie reach forward from the backseat and smack his arm. He shot her a look, his lips moving, but stopped the car. Before he started it again, I ran over and jumped in, slamming the door closed because I knew it would bother him.

"Bitch," he said, speeding away from my house.

"Jackass," I replied.

"Okay you two, that's enough! Jeezus, Josh doesn't need to hear you two fighting every time he comes out with us!" Carrie exclaimed, shaking her head.

"That's okay," Josh replied from the front seat. "It's pretty entertaining. Like watching an old married couple."

In spite of myself, I laughed along with Carrie and Josh, though Paul just shot his friend a look. It was only the second time Josh had come with us someplace, but it seemed as though Paul was making it his mission to both get Josh a girl and get him introduced to everybody that we ever knew. He was succeeding in the latter, but I had no idea how the girl quest was going. The party we were headed to was supposed to be relatively small compared to the last one we were at but Paul had said the kid's parents would be checking in every once in a while.

On the ride over, Carrie told me about the guy she wanted me to meet while Paul described to Josh the girl he was planning on hooking him up with. I let Carrie babble on about what this guy and I had in common, and how cute we would be, nodding every once in a while. As she talked, I looked up in the front to watch Josh and Paul's conversation. But as Paul continued to describe the girl, I realized Josh wasn't even listening, his head turned as he stared out the window. His eyes caught mine in the side mirror then, and I found it impossible to look away. I felt myself frown as I looked at Josh's dark eyes, the way they seemed to bore right through me.

"Tory!" Carrie scolded loudly, at the same time Paul shouted Josh's name. We both jumped, looking back at our friends.

"Were you even listening?" Carrie asked me, her eyebrows furrowed. From the front I could hear Paul arguing with Josh, who apparently did not want to meet the girl Paul had picked out for him. I was about to answer when Paul stopped the car and I realized we were there.

"Fine, whatever, I'll meet her!" Josh exclaimed, holding his hands up in surrender as we climbed out.

"Yeah, I was," I responded quietly, following the guys into the house. "Let's go find him so you can introduce me."

We walked into the house, Carrie swearing up and down that the guy was worth it. She spotted him right away, pulling me into the kitchen to introduce me. I let her take my arm but not before I threw a desperate look back over my shoulder. My eyes flew around the room, trying to find someone to save me, when they landed on Josh. He was walking in the opposite direction with Paul but at that moment he turned around, his eyes meeting mine for a brief second before the kitchen door swung shut.

* * *

"Well, what did you think of him?" Carrie asked me as Paul pulled into the driveway a good three hours later. The house was dark, the driveway empty, and it took me a minute to remember that Aunt Kayla had taken the kids to my grandma's house for the weekend.

"Maybe," was all I said, shutting the door and waving as Paul pulled out and drove away.

* * *

The moon shone through the cracks in the blinds, illuminating certain Glo Stars on my ceiling. I lay in bed and listened to the house creak around me as it settled for the night. My mind briefly ran over the party and Jimmy, the guy Carrie had introduced me to. He had been a great guy, really fun and interesting, but the entire night it had felt as though something was missing. So when Jimmy had leaned in to kiss me at the end of the night, I had turned my head, so he caught my cheek. Gently, I told him I wasn't looking for anybody at the time, and like the nice guy he was, he nodded and smiled, still giving me his number.

I was just about to grab my phone off my bedside table and send him a text when I heard a small ping. I froze, my arm hovering over the pillow, when I heard it again. As I sat up I realized the sound was coming from my side window. Slowly, I slid out of the covers and padded across the carpet, parting the blinds ever so slightly to look out.

The screen door squeaked as I stepped out the back door. Quietly, I stepped down from the porch and walked around the corner of the house. Josh turned at the sound of my bare feet brushing the grass. Before I realized what I was doing, I had run across the short expanse of grass and jumped onto Josh, wrapping my legs around his waist. He put his arms around my own waist, touching his lips to mine as I tangled my fingers in his hair.

"She was completely wasted by the time Paul introduced us," Josh whispered, pressing his lips to mine again.

"He wasn't you," I whispered back.


	5. Chapter 5

**August 12****th****, 2008**

"Dammit," I muttered, taking a Q-tip and wiping away the smear of mascara. I willed myself to calm down, at least enough so my hands would stop shaking. I watched a smile spread across my face as I looked at myself in the mirror.

Just then the door burst open and Hadley hurtled through, followed closely by Jane. They fell into a giggling heap on the floor at the foot of my bed, pushing on each other until they were both standing again.

Still looking at myself in the mirror, I spun around slowly, admiring the light flow of my dress and the way it floated around my legs. "Get out, I'm trying to get ready," I said, frustrated.

"Wow, Tor, you look beautiful!" Jane exclaimed, stopping in the doorway.

"You think so?" I asked softly, suddenly unsure.

Hadley nodded, taking my hand and leading me down the hall. I was unsure of where she was taking me until I saw my parents' open door at the end of the hall.

"Mommy, look at Tory!" Hadley exclaimed, pulling me inside.

"Wow, sweetie!" Mom said, standing up and spinning me around. I laughed, planting my feet so I stopped. "You look beautiful," she whispered, wrapping her arms around me.

"What's the special occasion?" Dad asked, walking out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam, a clump of tissue stuck to the side of his face.

"Her three month anniversary with Julian, Tom," Mom said, plucking the tissue off his face, and touching the spot gently. Dad flinched, gently pulling her hand away.

"Well okay, have fun. Be home by curfew." He moved to the closet, leaving Mom and I alone.

"Mom, come on, an extra hour?" I begged softly.

"Tory, I don't-"

"Mom, please, it's our three month," I interrupted, giving her my puppy dog eyes.

"Fine Tory. Midnight. Just don't do anything stupid, okay?" she warned me, stepping forward and hugging me again.

"I won't Mom, promise. I love you," I told her, stepping out of her embrace.

* * *

"Julian," I murmured against his lips. He shushed me, sliding his hand up my thigh. I allowed it, losing myself with him for a moment. We shifted and Julian hit the horn of his car, the noise breaking through the silence of the night. Laughing hysterically, we shifted again, so I was on Julian's lap in the passenger seat. When he started tugging at the waistband of my underwear, I pushed away from him, leaning against the dashboard.

"What's wrong," he asked softly, his eyes heavy lidded. His hand was still on my waist underneath my dress, and though it took all the willpower I had, I pulled it away, tangling our fingers together on my lap.

"Curfew," I said quietly. He wrinkled his nose but nodded, kissing me one last time before moving as gracefully as he could into his own seat. I laughed as his elbow hit the horn again, his knee bumping the gearshift.

"Shut up," he said, laughing.

As we pulled away, he moved his hand to my knee in a way that had become so familiar in the past three months that I smiled to myself, placing my hand over his. I glanced at the clock and groaned silently. It was already after midnight, and I had no idea how long it would take us to get back to my house from the abandoned street we had parked on.

We had just pulled into my neighborhood when we heard the sirens.

"Oh man, that sucks," Julian said quietly. "Can you imagine?"

"No…those poor people," I replied, squeezing his fingers. Whenever I heard sirens I always sent a silent prayer up for whoever needed it, before silently thanking the world for it not being me.

And then we rounded the corner and saw the lights. There was smoke billowing out of a house down the street, almost blocking our view of all the trucks. Julian quickly rolled his window up, in an attempt to keep the smell out.

"Holy shit, it's my neighbors!" I exclaimed, suddenly worried for them. I had always liked the Dutzs. "Stop here!"

Julian pulled off to the side, a good four houses down from where it looked like the fire was coming. My house was just on the other side of all the smoke, and I wondered what my family was doing. And then, as Julian and I took our first steps forward to join the crowd now gathered on the other side of the street, I saw through the smoke.

"Oh my God," I breathed before breaking into a run.

"Tory! Tory wait! Tory!" Julian called behind me, his voice getting farther and farther away.

"Mom! Mom!" I screamed, willing myself to run faster. I barely saw the neighbors turn towards me, Mrs. Dutz moving forward to stop me. "Dad! Mom!"

Two firefighters glanced over then, and saw me about to dart into the house. They moved forward quickly, motioning Mrs. Dutz back as the smaller one gripped my arms.

"Is this your house?" he asked urgently, shouting to be heard over the noise of the fire. I writhed in his grasp, trying to get away, to get into the house.

"Ma'am, ma'am please! Is this your house?" he asked again, and I saw the larger of the two motion Mrs. Dutz up again to comfort me.

"Yes," she told them, her voice steady though her hands shook as she put them around me. "This is Tory. It's her house."

"Where's my mom?" I asked, whirling around and shouting desperately in her face. "Where's my dad? My sisters?"

Mrs. Dutz shook her head, dropping her eyes. "Honey, I don't know. They are still inside. The firefighters are trying to reach them."

Just then there was a loud snapping sound, followed by a large crash.

"There goes the roof," I heard a firefighter say quietly, before he began shouting out instructions.

"No!" I screamed, spinning back around and sprinting towards my home. Before I had taken three steps a firefighter had caught me and put his arms around me, holding me back.

"No! No! Mom!" I screamed, choking on my sobs, trying to break away and get into the house. I knew I could save them all, if I could just get in there. "Mom! No!" There was another crash, and I saw the rest of the roof cave in. "No!" I screamed, and the sound filled my ears until everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6

**April 27****th****, 2009**

"Tory! Tory, phone for you!" I jolted awake, rolling right off the edge of my bed. Grumbling, I reached an arm up to my bedside table and grabbed the phone.

"Hello?" I said quietly. I tucked the phone between my ear and shoulder, rubbing the elbow that I had landed on.

"Hey, can I pick you up in twenty minutes?" Josh's voice filled my ears and I smiled in spite of myself.

"Where are we going?" I asked, standing up to fix my quilt.

"I thought we would just go back to my house," he replied, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Okay, see you in twenty."

I put the phone down, running my fingers through my hair and taking a glance at myself in the mirror. Not bad for a mid afternoon nap, a solid hour without interruption. Popping a piece of cinnamon gum into my mouth, I left my room, searching the upstairs for Kayla without luck. As I started down the stairs I heard a cry build up to a wail, echoing throughout the house.

"Tory? Tory!" Kayla called from the kitchen just as I walked in behind her. "Tor- Oh!" she exclaimed as she turned around to find me and saw me already standing in the doorway.

"Let me have her," I said, holding out my arms for Jada. Kayla gratefully handed her over, giving me a smile.

"She needs her diaper changed and a bottle and I need to take a quick shower and then run Candace to her friend's house and then pick up Jacob and-"

"Hush," I told her, turning her around with my hand and pushing her out of the kitchen. "I'll watch Jada while you shower but Josh is picking me up in twenty minutes."

"Oh, that's fine, I can take her with me when I go…" Kayla's voice faded away as she climbed the stairs.

Sighing, I took Jada into her nursery and changed her diaper quickly, tossing the old one in the now full trash bin. I balanced her on my hip, heading back into the kitchen and digging through the fridge for a fresh bottle, which I at last found at the bottom of the back shelf.

"You're a handful, you know that?" I asked her as she quieted, her tiny mouth sucking on the bottle. She looked innocently back at my with her wide blue eyes, taking me in. I couldn't help but smile at her, my shoulders melting.

I was still rocking her back and forth when the horn beeped out in the driveway.

"Kayla!" I called, still bouncing Jada in my arms. Candace walked into the kitchen then with more purpose than any nine-year-old I had ever seen.

"Have you seen my Edgar Allan Poe action figure?" she asked me, not even stopping to look at me as she checked underneath the table and next to the fridge. Frustrated, she pushed her glasses back into position, standing up straight and putting her hands on her hips.

"Did you check the nursery?" I asked her. "Kayla!" I called again as the horn beeped.

"Coming, I'm coming!" she huffed, running into the kitchen. I handed her Jada.

"Mom, have you seen my Poe action figure? I want to take it to Jaime's!" Candace exclaimed, walking back out of the room.

"Okay, I'll see you later," I told Kayla, running my fingers through my hair one more time before leaving.

* * *

By now my eyes could adjust quickly to the dark room, able to pick out the too short bed table and the crooked blinds on the window. I could see the cluttered desk in the left corner and the piles of clothes covering the floor. What was easiest to see however was Josh, lying before me on the bed. I straddled his hips, knees bent behind me, my hands resting on the flat planes of his stomach. He rested with his arms behind his head, a lazy grin on his face.

"What time is it?" I asked him, making invisible shapes on his chest with my finger.

He turned his head to his bedside clock with a sigh. "Eleven," he replied, turning back to watch me, catching my fingers in his hand.

I smiled, leaning down until I was lying on top of him again, my hands running through his hair. He wrapped his arms around my waist, his fingers brushing the hot skin of my back. As his lips met mine, he rolled me over, so all his weight rose above me, though most of it rest on his forearms on either side of me. When he began to finger the clasp of my bra I took his hand in mine, moving my lips to his ear.

"Curfew is eleven-thirty," I whispered. Josh sighed, dropping his head next to mine in frustration before rolling off of me.

Laughing, I rolled off the bed, searching the dark room for my shirt before finding it at the foot of the bed.

"Why is this funny to you?" he asked me. I smiled sweetly, coming over to his side of the bed and kissing him.

"Come on," I said. "You need to drive me home."

Josh sighed, standing up slowly and pulling on a random shirt, a different one than what he had been wearing before. "If I didn't like you so much…" he said, but I cut him off by touching my lips to his again. As soon as he started to relax, I pulled back, taking his hand and leading him out of his own house.

* * *

**I know it's short, sorry!**

**What are you thinking of the story so far? Is it too confusing? What / who would you like to know more about? Favorite character yet?**

_-zoomie_**  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**September 4, 2008**

"Okay, well, your room is here," Kayla told me, opening the peeling red door. She stepped back to let me inside, taking my box of things out of my arms and setting it on the dresser. We stood there awkwardly for a minute as I looked around.

"Well, I'll just let you get settled then. I'll have Candace get your bag of clothes out of the car," Kayla said quietly, touching my arm as she left.

When she closed the door behind her, I walked slowly to the bed and sat down on the light green floral comforter. It was obvious that the room was last redecorated in the sixties or seventies, with its vintage cream colored floral wallpaper and old wooden floor. The pink curtains were pulled back on each window, one facing the side yard, the other facing the front. I picked at a loose thread on the comforter until I heard the stairs squeak again.

The door swung open a few seconds later to reveal Candace, my nine-year-old cousin, dragging my clothes bag over her shoulder. "Here you go," she said brightly, smiling as I took it from her.

"Thanks," I said softly, closing the door as she left.

With slow deliberateness, I unpacked the small amount of clothes I had gotten in the past month, a week's worth of t-shirts, two pairs of jeans, some sweats. I had left the dress from that night at my grandparents' house. All together, they only took up one and a half of the drawers on the dresser. Then, with the same carefulness, I emptied the box of the few objects I had managed to gather. A stack of books that my grandmother had lent me, an old watch from my grandfather that still worked. Gently, I set an alarm clock on the bedside table, along with my cell phone.

I pulled the last thing out of the box slowly, taking it carefully over to the bed, where I sat down with a sigh. I held the photo album cautiously, the past heavy in my hands. For a long minute I sat and stared at the plain green cover, wondering what I would see when I lifted it. But at last, with a sigh, I got off the bed and kneeled down, shoving the album under the bed and throwing the bed skirt back over it, as if it had never really been there at all.

* * *

My eyes were heavy as I walked into the kitchen the next morning. The night before, Jada had been up all night crying and my Aunt Kayla had been incapable of calming her back down. A few times throughout the early hours I considered getting up and going to help, but in the end I fell back against the pillows and tried my best to ignore it.

"Good morning!" Kayla said cheerily as I sat down at the wobbly table. Jacob sat across from me, eating his Lucky Charms quietly, looking up at me every once in a while before quickly looking away.

"Did you sleep okay?" Kayla asked as I poured myself some Frosted Flakes. "I'm sorry about Jada, I don't know what got into her last night…"

"It's okay," I replied, adding the milk. "I had a lot on my mind anyway."

"Oh sweetie, I know you do," she said softly, coming over to give me a hug. The scent overwhelmed me suddenly, the same perfume clinging to Kayla's sweatshirt as to what her sister, my mother, always used to wear. I felt my eyes sting and just let myself sink into the embrace.

"Do you think she's okay now?" I whispered into Kayla's shoulder, feeling again like a little kid when my dog had died.

"Oh yes," Kayla murmured. "I know she is."

* * *

**I'm sorry it's been so long and that this one is so short. It was tough trying even to write this one, but I needed some sort of bridge...anyway. I'll be posting the next one very soon, it's the one I've been pushing to get to. -**_zoomie_


	8. Chapter 8

**June 19****th****, 2009**

"Next time you don't come outside at the first beep, I'm leaving you behind," Paul said, squealing away from my house. I reached forward from the backseat and flicked his ear, kissing Josh quickly when he turned his head.

"Paul, if I had a nickel for every time you said that…" I settled back next to Carrie, laughing when he flipped me the bird.

"Kids c'mon, start the night off right please, this party is supposed to be killer," Carrie said sternly, as we pulled into a parking spot a good quarter of a mile from where the party was at, giving the two of us the evil eye. Josh laughed at her tone.

"Fine," Paul sighed, shutting off the ignition.

"Okay, Mom, sorry," I added. She shot me a look but then joined in laughing with the rest of us as we headed into the house.

"Yo, Carrie! Tory!" Danny called, motioning us over to him.

I turned to Josh. He was standing next to Paul, both of them scanning the crowd in the room. When I looked at him, he brought his eyes to mine, smiling easily.

"Go," he said, kissing me quick. "I'll catch up with you later."

"So I see you and Josh are still together," Danny commented as Carrie and I approached. Dana and Harry groaned, shaking their heads.

"We were still together yesterday when you saw us," I told Danny, laughing.

"A lot could happen in twenty four hours," he replied, his eyes wide and serious.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Carrie open her mouth to respond, but then Ben ran up and she didn't get a chance.

"Did you hear?" he asked excitedly, looking between the four of us. "Russ g-"

"Russ got three kegs!" Andy yelled, running up to us.

"Dammit, man, I was just about to tell them that!" Ben said, his head dropping.

"Too bad, dude, you took too long," Andy said, grinning and ruffling Ben's hair. Ben slapped his hand away before coming over to Carrie and I.

"Can I get you lovely ladies drinks?" he asked, licking his thumb and pretending to smooth the part in his hair.

"But of course, kind sir," Carrie replied. "Would you like some help?"

As she went off with Ben to get the group drinks, I settled next to Dana on a couch that had been pushed up against the far wall. We sat silently for a moment, watching the party start to evolve around us. At least half the people were already moving to the music that seemed to pulse from the walls of the house, and about all of them already seemed to be drunk. I saw Julian for a brief moment between a gap in the crowd, a cup in his hand and a girl attached to his hip. His eyes met mine just as someone pushed in front of him again and then he was gone.

"You happy with Josh?" Dana asked me quietly, accepting two drinks from Ben as he and Carrie pushed their way back through the crowd. She handed one to me and I immediately took a sip, the liquid burning its way down.

"Yeah," I said, equally softly. "I really am."

I drowned half my beer in the silence that followed and then Josh was standing in front of me.

"Where's Paul?" I asked, laughing as he pulled me to my feet. I finished my beer quickly, dropping the cup at my feet and following Josh out into the middle of a crowd of dancers. He pulled my hips to his, holding me there as I let my arms swing.

"Found some girl he knew from middle school or something," Josh replied, laughing as he moved us in a slow fluid circle all around the room. As we passed the couch, Carrie and Ben got up and joined us, imitating our movement around the floor. When we passed the couch a third time, Harry handed me another beer before sitting back next to Dana and watching the four of us with an amused expression.

"So how does it feel to be graduated?" I asked Josh, trying to drink the beer without it slopping over the side. Somehow successful, I managed to down half of it while still dancing. I gave Josh the other half.

"Pretty damn great," he replied, smirking as he finished the cup and dropped it in the crowd.

* * *

"I'm so thirsty!" I exclaimed loudly to Harry, leaning against him on the couch. Josh was off talking to some guys he had known from the Academy and Paul was still missing in action with the girl from middle school. About an hour ago, Carrie and Ben had disappeared outside with Dana, and Andy went off to dance with a few girls from his English class.

"You are so drunk," Harry replied, laughing and pushing me off of him.

"I am not," I said indignantly, falling back against the couch. "Okay, maybe just a little," I said, giggling and wiping my hand over my face. I had rarely been drunk before, knowing it never left me with good results.

"What got into you tonight?" Harry asked, a little more seriously. "Did something happen? You never drink heavily."

I shook my head, falling against him again with control. "No…" I slurred slightly. "I don't think so…I don't really remember now."

We sat silently for a few minutes, and I watched my classmates spin around with each other in the middle of the room. The music seemed to be getting louder.

"Look!" I said, pointing suddenly. "It's Josh! Hi Josh!" I called, but the music drowned my voice out.

Harry looked at me. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded, sure of myself, though everything was beginning to feel fuzzy. "Just thirsty," I responded.

"More beers anyone?" Danny asked at that moment, coming out of nowhere with three cups balanced in his hand.

"Me!" I exclaimed, taking one and spilling half of it onto the carpet.

"Easy tiger," Danny replied, laughing as he headed off again.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea…" Harry said, reaching to take the cup from me. I pushed his hand away, almost falling over in the process.

"I'm fine, Harry, honest!" I said, sucking the liquid down like my life depended on it.

At that moment, Dana and Carrie came back, plopping down on the couch next to me.

"Hey guys," I slurred, grinning stupidly.

"She okay?" Dana asked Harry, lighting a cigarette.

"She's drunk," Harry said, checking his watch. "Has been for about the past three hours now."

"Maybe we should get you home, huh?" Carrie asked softly, as if she were talking to a little kid.

"I want Josh," I said, taking the last sip of my beer and standing up. I wobbled for a second but then regained my balance.

"You can see him tomorrow," Carrie said, still using the same tone. "C'mon," she replied, leading me towards the door. I gave in, stumbling along slightly behind her.

"Hey! Carrie, Tory! Wait up!" Josh called as we reached the front door. Carrie stopped us, catching me when I stumbled into her.

"Whoa, Tor, little too much to drink, huh?" Josh asked me, taking me from Carrie.

"I'll go find Paul," Carrie said. "And then we can go. Just stay with her here so I can find you guys."

"Oh, Paul gave me the keys so he could drink," Josh said, smirking. "I'll just take Tory home and then come back for you guys so you can stay."

"You sure?" Carrie asked, and I felt her eyeing me but I was too tired now to look up. Josh nodded.

"Okay, well here," Carrie said, handing him her house keys. "My parents are gone, she's staying at our place tonight, just leave her in my bedroom."

Josh reached for the keys but Carrie pulled them back quickly. "And if you take advantage of her…" she responded menacingly.

"Oh jeez, Car, have some faith," Josh responded, grabbing the keys. "I'll be back to get you in half an hour or so."

* * *

"Come sleep with me," I said, my words tumbling over one another as I pulled Josh down onto Carrie's bed. He fell down with me and I immediately snuggled into his side.

"God, Tory," Josh said, his laughter shaking the bed. "Don't drink anymore, okay?"

He kissed my forehead and started to get up, but I pulled him back down.

"No, don't go Josh-y," I said, my eyes already closed.

"I have to," he whispered in my ear. "I can't leave Carrie and Paul stranded there."

"Yes you can," I said. But Josh just laughed and took off my shoes for me.

"Goodnight Tory," he said softly, starting to head out of the room.

"Night night, Josh-y, I love you," I whispered, more to myself than to anyone. The beer was starting to take its toll on me, and I felt my breathing get deeper.

"What?" Josh said, and I realized he was still in the room. I opened my eyes and saw him standing in the doorway, stock-still, staring at me. I smiled goofily at him and blew him a kiss, and then I was gone.

* * *

**Predictions?!?! I think this is the longest so far, haha. Favorite character? -**_zoomie_


	9. Chapter 9

**August 23, 2008**

The dress still smelled like ashes as I pulled it out of the small closet in my makeshift bedroom. Laying it out on the bed, I smoothed out the wrinkles before taking a step back and looking at it. I realized that part of the reason it still smelled like ashes was because of the thick black strip that ran diagonal around the skirt, baked into the fabric by now. When my throat tightened I put the dress back into the closet and sat down cross-legged on the bed with my phone in my hands.

Julian had not called me since the day of the funeral, almost a week ago. Whenever I had tried to reach him I would get his voicemail, the voice I had once loved to hear now making my eyes fill with angry tears. The rest of my friends had stopped by my grandparents' house at least once since the fire to see how I was doing, but the one that mattered most had disappeared from my life.

"Tory?" Grandma called, interrupting my thoughts. "Tory, Carrie is here!"

"I'm in my room," I said loudly, putting my phone on the bedside table.

"Hey Tor," Carrie said quietly, peeking her head around the door before walking in and shutting it behind her. I raised my eyes to hers, feeling my throat tighten again.

"Oh, sweetie, come here," she said when the tears started to fall and I stood up so she could wrap her arms around me. "Sh, I know, I know, you just let it out," she murmured soothingly, allowing me to bury my face in her blond curls.

"I miss them so much," I whispered, trying to keep the sobs from shaking our bodies. "Why did He take them away?"

Though I was never very religious, I had always believed that the Big Guy had a bigger plan for all of us, and therefore that everything happened for a reason. That was, I believed everything happened for a reason until the fire.

* * *

"Come on, Tor, it will help you forget, just for a little while," Carrie persuaded, throwing some actual clothes at me. Holding them up lazily, I took one look in the mirror and shook my head. I had spent the past week in an old pair of my grandpa's sweats for two reasons, the first being that I had everything in the fire and the second being that the way I looked no longer seemed to matter. Now I sat on Carrie's bed as she rifled through her closet again, trying to find a fifth outfit choice, one that I would not shoot down like I had the past four.

"Yeah, Tory, you need to lose yourself for a night," Dana added, digging through Carrie's supply of makeup. She sighed every once in a while, clearly disappointed.

"Why," I asked flatly, falling back onto the bed.

"Because this is not helping you," Carrie said softly, bringing over a soft pink t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans. I shrugged and began pulling them on.

"Because moping around for the rest of your life won't-" Dana started.

"Dana don't say it," Carrie blurted quickly, but it was too late.

"-bring your family back."

My jaw dropped so low I was sure it hit the wood floor of Carrie's bedroom.

"God Dana, have a heart," Carrie said, shooting her a look.

"What?" she asked shrugging. "It's the truth."

I just looked at her, swallowing over the lump in my throat. Already I wanted to rip off Carrie's clothes and put my sweats back on. I wanted to be back on my grandparents' couch, watching an old war movie with my grandpa and trying to forget.

"Sweetie, look at me," Dana said, so quietly that Carrie couldn't hear, standing directly in front of me now and placing her hands on my shoulders. "I know it hurts, believe me I do, but you need to keep breathing and living and moving so you can get through this. When I lost my brothers in that car accident…I let myself get into a deep hole and I forgot all about living. I realize now that that was a big mistake. So I need you to trust me, okay?"

Carrie was shuffling around in the closet behind me, knowing that she was not meant to hear any of this.

"Tory? Do you trust me?" Dana asked softly, making me meet her gaze. I nodded and she gave me a hug.

"Now! How crazy can I go with your makeup?"

I heard Carrie groan behind me and in spite of myself, I almost smiled.

* * *

**Anything you want to see? What are you thinking as you read? Favorite character? Talk to me. -**_zoomie_


	10. Chapter 10

**March 19****th****, 2009**

"Tory don't you have any cheese?" Carrie asked, though I barely heard her.

Instead, I turned the page, getting excited as I knew what part came next. The old paper crinkled, the corner that I had dog-eared flapping in the breeze that came in through the open window. I smiled as I read the greatest line in the history of literature, the one that I had underlined. I looked up to say something to Carrie about it and found her standing right next to me, an eyebrow raised, her hands on her hips.

"Are you really reading that book again?" she asked, gesturing to my beat up copy of _The Perks of Being A Wallflower_. The cover no longer lay flat and it made me laugh. "What is that, your tenth time?"

"Sixteenth, actually," I replied, grinning when she sighed and shook her head. "It's a great book."

"I know it's a great book, you've only made me read it a few hundred times."

I stood up and patted her cheek mockingly but she slapped it away, chasing me around the kitchen as I squealed and tried to get away. At last she caught me, knocking me to the floor where we landed in a heap, laughing so hard we had to grip our sides.

"So do you have any cheese?" Carrie asked, her face still echoing a laugh as she untangled herself from me and went back to the stove.

After getting the cheese out of the fridge for her, I sat back down at the table, allowing my gaze to slide out the window as I absentmindedly played with the ripped corner of the book. It was a particularly warm day so Kayla had taken the kids to the local park. Carrie had taken the opportunity of the quiet house to come over and make the two of us tacos for lunch.

"_Why?" I had asked her when she burst through the front door without warning._

"_Why not?" she had replied, already getting the meat out and on the stove._

"What are you thinking?" Carrie asked me, and I turned my head to find her watching me carefully. I wondered what my face was betraying.

"I'm scared," I said softly, not realizing it until the words had left my mouth. Unable to meet her gaze any longer, I picked at the old checkered tablecloth.

"Of what?" she asked, flipping the tortillas in the pan as I watched, amazed. I had never been particularly good in the kitchen.

"Josh," I said, a little louder. "Me. Me and Josh. The future. What if…what if he ends up…"

"He is not going to end up like Julian and you know it Tory. That boy is different." She began fixing a couple of tacos for us, the smell already making my mouth water. "Tell me something," she said.

"What?" I asked, grinning at her as she sat down across from me and handed me my taco.

"Why do you believe in God?"

I was never a particularly religious person but I still had my own faith.

"I believe in God because I want to believe that there is something better," I told her, biting into my taco. A glob of meat and salsa fell onto my plate.

"Okay, so believe in Josh because he is something better," Carrie said simply.

I looked at her for a second and she gazed steadily back at me, so sure.

"_And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

* * *

_**Whew! It sure has been awhile, huh? Is anyone still here? I hope so, haha**

**Yeah, so I apologize. The creativity to this just completely got lost in the wind, but a little bit obviously came back to me tonight, so I harnessed it the best I could to write this for anyone that still visits. There isn't much of this story left as it is, maybe one or two more "chapters".**

**Anyway. Tell me what you think if you read this, anyone, I love to hear from everybody. :) **_-zoomie_


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